Archive for February, 2009

24
Feb
09

Steve Nash Sports Club: not for pikers

One of the benefits of staying at the St. Regis Hotel, newly renovated with the traveling business person in mind, is a day pass for the Steve Nash Sports Club. Talked of in hushed terms by the city’s fitness junkies since rumours of its opening over two years ago, it’s a state-of-the-art, nearly 40,000-sq. ft. facility that’s located downtown, just around the corner from the hotel, on Granville Street. And so, following my complimentary continental breakfast in the hotel’s downstairs dining lounge, I decided to check out the gym said to “mirror the fitness philosophy” of its namesake, a Canadian basketball player.

I was met in the reception area by member sales person Cheryl MacDougall. Our tour took us to the first floor, which has a juice bar franchise, rows of cardio machines and an air-conditioned spinning room “unique to Vancouver” for its projector screen (usually showing bike tours) with Surround Sound, and the locker rooms, which have amenities like towels, shampoos and “body wash” (whatever happened to soap?). When we got to the second floor, where all the weights and weight machines are, it was time to ask the tough questions.

SC: What about hook-ups?

CM: I’m very good at hooking people up, actually. I’ve hooked up a couple in the gym, who are engaged. In fact I think they got married this weekend.

SC: How did you do that?

CM: I tend to talk to everyone and anyone. Through my job when people come in and sign up, I’m not just signing them up. I’m building a relationship with them. So, I tend to find out a lot more about their lives and they find out about me. Over time people will be like, “Hey, what’s their story?” or “Do you know that person?”

SC: How did it happen with this couple? Was it the classic, “Their eyes met across a crowded weight room” type of situation?

CM: No, I talked to both of them, separately. The one person was like, “Who’s that” kind of thing. Me being me, I knew a lot about her. And one day it was like, okay, this is it. She was coming down the stairs and he was standing there. I’d planted little hints. Then it was, “Female this is male.” Then they went out for tea. Five or six months into it they were engaged.

SC: Are they still coming to the gym, or have they stopped now that they’re hitched?

CM: Oh God no. She’s one of the fittest people in this gym. And so is he.

SC: ‘Cos some people just let themselves go.

CM: A lot of people say gyms are meat markets, but I don’t see it. But this is very much a good-looking gym. It is Vancouver, so people are single, and it is a place people go where they think they might meet someone. I met my ex in a gym, in London. It is a great place. It’s all about networking. I know a lot of people, and a lot of people think I’m a big flirt. I guess I am and I’m not, it’s just my personality. It’s my job, I talk to people. I check in and make sure everybody’s happy. And it’s a great place for me, who’s single, to be.

Cheryl continued the tour, showing me the “espresso bikes”, which have screens that that simulate “riding” through the alps or the desert, the reformer pilates stations, and a personal training area. There are 19 personal trainers on staff.

SC: Are the personal trainers instructed not to date their clients?

CM: No, there’s no rule. I think it’s up to them. Once you take it to that next level, it probably makes it difficult to train the clients. I’m sure the trainers have been hit on, whether from staff or members. But we do have a huge selection of very nice looking trainers. With different qualifications.

SC: How are they recruited? Are there pec-hunters?

CM: Like corporate headhunters? No, they just apply.

On the third floor, we came to a third studio, this one for yoga and pilates. “We’re trying to be a green club,” Cheryl said. The studios all have bamboo floors, the carpet is recycled, the light fixtures use less energy, and it doesn’t print a lot of paper; all the classes are online.

Compared to my gym, which is located underground in a dank dungeon-like room and where the men’s locker area is the size of a broom closet (but far worse smelling), it’s an impressive space—practically fortress-like. Indeed, the only sour note was the security precautions—I wasn’t allowed to take pictures, and had to get permission to record my conversation with Cheryl. And she wasn’t allowed to give me the rates. “We like to have people come in and see the facility first,” she said. “Hopefully they’ll come into the gym whether they hear about it through word-of-mouth or a friend brings them in, or they hear how great Cheryl is at the gym.”

23
Feb
09

First Month Marker: Mistaken Identity & the DEA

They say the couple that plays together stays together. Or is that prays together? Anyway that question is irrelevant; my real question here is…what happens to the couple that wanders accidentally into the middle of a DEA sting operation on, hm, about the 10th date, and not only comes through it together unscathed, but also extends that date into a one-week slumber party? Because that is basically what just went down w/me and Jimmy the Pirate.

We were doing absolutely nothing untoward when it happened. Nor do we ever, really—at least, nothing that would possibly interest the DEA. My friends hahaha this, but it’s true.

What happened is, Jimmy the Pirate was parking my car right outside of his house in West Hollywood.  It was a weeknight. I had driven, but didn’t feel like reversing into a small space, so down he came b/c he is a sweetheart like that. As he’s parking, a neighbor says hello, and JTP says hello back. I cross the street over to the car. The neighbor crosses in the other direction, where I had come from–and several men run at him from out of the bushes, all dressed in black. JTP says, “Oh, shit, they just pulled guns on that guy,” and tries to lead me quickly away into safety. The random scary thugs in black shout, “Wait there was another guy. Get him… HEY YOU. We see you. Come out and put your hands up.” Jimmy walks out & two guys point 9mms at him.  At this point, we both think it is a hit and we are toast. I crouch down quietly behind a bush and start trying to get my phone and call 911, while realizing I will never be able to get the police over here fast enough to save us.  I will admit, my hands were shaking.

Then, due to how coordinated the whole thing was and how professional-like the thugs in black are holding their guns, JTP guesses, “Wait are you guys cops?” And sure enough, they start flashing badges and confirming: DEA, baby. These are not stone killers—they are cops on a drug bust. WOW.  We immediately start thanking our lucky stars, but notsofast!!  Swiftly they announce that Jimmy is being detained as the suspected accomplice of random-dude-crossing-the-street.

“Why?” I wondered out loud, crawling out from behind the bush. Whereupon the pack of overzealous policemen greeted me and, very nicely, detained me too.  For about an hour. Till they ran JTP’s license over at the home office and verified that he was not a criminal, but rather a veteran and upstanding employee of network television, who happens to occasionally rub cops the wrong way for no reason at all.

(Well, actually, there is a reason. It is because of his tattoos. If you were ever wondering whether tattoos down the forearms make a statement, I am here to tell you, yes they do. They say, “Arrest me immediately.”  Cool, right?)

Anyway. Eventually there was no more questioning or running of documents or patting-down-of-innocents to  do, so the cops took down his cell phone number and let us go. They remained outside sweeping the entire neighborhood & rounding up all kinds of folks for hours. We suspect they may have listened in on us having sex too. There is absolutely no evidence of that whatsoever, but if the DEA can accuse people of doing things on a completely unfounded basis, I figure I can do the same to them.

And happily, it did not hurt my blooming relationship in the slightest. Probably the opposite, because I can now say for 100% sure that my boyfriend (!) definitely does not have a criminal record. Not even an outstanding speeding ticket. Which is more than I can say for myself.

23
Feb
09

Oscar night at the St. Regis

A couple of months ago, I wrote* about the re-opening of the St. Regis Hotel. Located kitty-corner from my old haunt, the Railway Club, and central to much of downtown Vancouver, the 95-year-old edifice has been renovated with the business type on-the-go in mind—free wireless and local calls, passes to a nearby high-end gym. The wreckage in my condo, from current renovations, was all the excuse we needed to check out a local hotel; the folks at the St. Regis were kind enough to accommodate.

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By luck, the night of our stay coincided with an event of such magnitude and vapidity, the Twister and I needed a TV. We tuned the flat-screen in our (“junior”) suite (there’s a screen in the bedroom as well) to the Academy Awards, so I could watch the dwindling returns of the ballot I’d cast at work. Pfft, 2 bucks gone up in smoke, and bad Hugh Jackman dance routines.

As for the show itself… Jackman was lame, Joaquin Phoenix was ridiculous but kind of funny, Daniel Craig was unbelievably stiff, Anne Hathaway was kind of sexy when doing the opening number, but why does every academy awards show have to start with a moronic opening # incorporating all the nominees? Sean Penn’s speech was heartfelt and cool, Kate Winslett lost it, and Slumdog Millionaire proved a sleeper hit. I can’t begrudge director Danny Boyle though because Love Actually is the best Christmas movie ever. And Mickey Rourke thought about his chihuahua. “He’s here with us,” he told Canadian commentator Ben Mulroney** on the red carpet.

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Back to the St. Regis… I have to say, I like the decor and the colours; espresso brown, pale blue. It’s a tight little room for a suite but cozy. More than enough room for two people, even if one of them is the Twister (ba-DUM). And I mean that personality-wise… eager to get out of the disaster area that is our condo, we came for checkout time, 3 p.m., and around 6 went down for dinner at the St. Regis Grill: crab cakes, sambuca prawns, meatlovers’ pizza (which I’m regretting) and a chicken salad.

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Following the Academy Awards, we thought we’d dial up the year’s winner for Best Picture; but we only got a few minutes into Slumdog Millionaire before exhaustion, and the comfort of the bed, took over. By then, though, all I could think about was the continental breakfast that would be mine upon awakening. I do love a good continental breakfast.

*For another publication.

**Why does this man have a job?

20
Feb
09

I Feeeeeeeeeel Good!

It looked like we were going to hit the big time this morning, or at least make enough for lunch. The phone started ringing before 9 a.m. with eager beavers combing craigslist for deals: messages were left by two people wanting to come by for a look at our “yard sale.” It’s not really a yard sale, though, since half the stuff is in my underground parking spot and the other half out on the balcony. Anyway, we’re still in the midst of renovations, as well as preparing for a move out of this fine city, and so we’re trying to get rid of as much stuff as possible. One of the items the Twister put up on craigslist is my James Brown statue.

Basically an 18″ vinyl toy that dances and sings “I Feel Good”, it’s come in handy on a number of occasions. It’s great for scaring cats, for instance, and as a seduction aid, that is, if your date is blind and deaf. I don’t know how many James Brown statues there are in the world*, but to me it’s a collector’s item—never mind that I got it for six bucks at a (real) yard sale.

“I couldn’t let it go for less than a hundred,” I told the Twister, who promptly put it on sale for $50.

So this morning I field a call from some dude named Hilden wanting to know all about it. Says he can be over in five minutes, and sure enough, the buzzer’s going off five minutes later. The guy at the door looks serial-killer-ish, I must say—a weathered puffy jacket, long white hair combed back from a balding pate, overweight. I opened the building’s front door to him and put James down, and pressed the button on its base. I wish a neighbour had come through the lobby at that point, to see these two guys on a Saturday morning staring at a one-and-a-half foot James Brown vinyl figure gyrating its hips and swiveiling its head while a recording of “I Feel Good” seemed to come out of its semi-detached mouth.

So I put this song-and-dance (literally) on for this “Hilden” dude and he actually has the nerve to say, “So how much would you come down in price?”

Now, I’m a reasonable man. But this is a James Brown statuette we’re talking about—the Godfather of Soul, vinylized. I realize we’re in the middle of a recession and all, but once all these bailouts kick in and Americans can go into debt again, this thing’s gonna be worth its weight in Apple stock.

“Forty,” I said. “I can’t go any lower.”

We stared at the James Brown statue. “‘Cos I buy for a guy with a store, right,” says Hilden. “I like to bring him something different. Like, I bought this reindeer with a remote, and you can make its mouth move and talk.”

“Yeah,” I say. “Forty bucks.”

Hilden left without buying it. I don’t think he’s going to get back to me.

*The only other dancing/singing statue I’ve ever seen that was anything like it was a similar model, obviously from the same line, but of Ray Charles. Red Robinson, a local celebrity DJ famous for, among other things, introducing Elvis at the King’s first Vancouver appearance, owns it. It was given to him, he told me, by the manager of some game-show host—maybe Bob Barker?—who manufactured them.

18
Feb
09

I have a what?

Two weeks ago it hailed while the sun was shining in Los Angeles. Also, and appropriately I feel, I found myself for the first time in three years  starting a real relationship and feeling comfortable in it. Cue earth to spin sideways and backward on its axis!!

Anyway. It’s been a while since then–long enough for me to get to the point of spending an entire week at his house, and therefore long enough to have “the talk” and start telling friends about it. This was also the first time that I, social media junkie that I am, decided I had to change my Facebook status so it would show that little heart icon. I never have before because I am a) noncommital in the extreme, and b) fairly on the DL when it comes to who I actually spend my time with–until things go bad, at which point I immediately turn them into caricatures on this or another similar blog site/newspaper / magazine. The difference here is that things don’t seem to be going bad. (Knock wood plastic glass metal my own head and anything else that might be lucky.)

The whole Facebook thing caused me more internal turmoil than any other part of this transition. I thought about it for a while, and set little internal milestones of when/what would be the appropriate time to bring it up, and then promptly forgot about them, and only decided to bring it up after we’ve had *the talk*   (“Are you __’ing anyone else?” he asked. “No, I said. “And I haven’t since–” “No need…that’s all I wanted to know,” said he. “And I don’t intend to,” I finished.)

The next day, enveloped in a rosy glow, I told him I would like to announce this new state of being to the world at large. And he said, okay, and I went to change my profile to the little heart, but I didn’t want to just say “in a relationship” because there’s this weirdo girl on my FB friend list who always is changing from “in a relationship” to “single” to “engaged” every three days w/o e’er naming a name (I think everyone knows one of those weirdo girls).  I did not want to do anything that could be construed as weirdo-vague like that…If you’re going to do something, you might as well do it all the way, with intent. So I decided to put his name.

Only  you can’t put “in a relationship” and a name unless the namee approves it. So, oh shit.  Did I mention my new amour happens to be an extremely private person who does not like having his business aired in public? Yeaahhh, that would be him. (I know, what is he doing with me, right? Tres ironic.)

I was so nervous about asking if this would be okay, it took me two texts and a phone call.

Actually five texts and two phone calls.

Actually I don’t remember but I was tentative in the extreme.

Anyway he said it would be “sweet” so I did it & then literally sat there with my knees shaking waiting for the sky to fall down and 50 people to instantly message me going, “What the hell is this all about, young lady, you are supposed to be single forever!” Or, “Excuse me did we not make out in December? I thought there would be more!” Or “You are supposed to move out of LA; what are you doing getting involved with someone there?” (This is an excellent question, by the way.)

However, none of these comments/questions were posted. No one informed the AP services. A few of my friends did message me privately saying, “Have you gone to the dark side?” but by and large I have not been called to task, and in fact it seems no one really cares, and that is good. Because I’m sketched enough as it is. I am going to have to start practicing saying the word “boyfriend” privately where no one can hear it, b/c right now I just stutter and then mushmouth it into something else. However in time I suppose it will roll off my tongue like any other word. As the past few days have shown, it is hard to consider changing your status–Facebook or otherwise–once you get old and set in your ways (listen to me sounding like some sort of graybeard)…but sometimes not as scary as you think it’s going to be.

17
Feb
09

Home reno porn

Now that my living room’s been gutted, I’m starting to see the appeal of home renovation porn.

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Does this turn you on?

Or this?

Or this?

It used to be a mystery to me, as I treaded on the treadmill and stared up in befuddlement as some dude in overalls named Mike Holmes shook his head at hapless homeowners and their catastrophes with other, lesser renovators. (Where’s the show where someone has to come in and clean up after Mr. Perfect’s mess, huh?) “Who cares,” I would think as one more sad sack gave Mike and some unionized cameraman a tour of his/her house/condo/garage, pointing out what needed to be fixed and finished and bowdlerized and replaced. “Is this really what afternoon TV has come to?” I mean, I’d have rather watched The View.

Oooh baby!

Oooh baby!

Uh huh, right there...

Uh huh, right there...

But now that it’s my place being renovated (new flooring, island kitchen, as if you care), well, things are different.

It’s also become a matter of survival. We’re in a one-bedroom and the living room is unlivable and the kitchen a wreck  (the guys, Paul and Chad, came in this morning; by the time we came home the place looked, as the Twister pointed out, “like a crackhouse”), so all our stuff—laptops, clothes, cats—is piled in the one bedroom. During the day, our choice is to either get claustrophobic and step on each other’s feet, or get the hell out; yesterday, Monday, I went into the office where I work two days a week (Wed-Thurs) while the Twister flitted from cafe to cafe, slurping up lattes and, in one memorable incident, hoovering up the lint off her jacket with a noisy gadget that drew the attention of all the other coffee shop patrons. Oh, and somewhere in all that she found time to go to the beer store where the guy calls her “hot stuff.”

Anyway, the next few weeks are going to be a real test. Who knows, maybe I should film it—apparently, daytime TV is desperate for content.

16
Feb
09

V-Day at the Opus

For Valentine’s Day, the Opus Hotel in Vancouver borrowed a page (or two) from the menu of Koko, the restaurant in the sister hotel in Montreal. The theme was Pan-Asian, which seemed approrpriate, since I was with a Pan-Asian, the Texas Twister.

The amuse bouche.

The amuse bouche.

Raise the red lanterns.

Raise the red lanterns.

Chinese lanterns, a jazz trio, and a menu featuring exotically spiced pheasant, lamb and lobster (w/a masala, my selection) were included in the package, along with wine tastings. An amuse bouche, an oyster, slipped down easily with a glass of Champagne, followed by a second course—I had the tom ka soup with tempura prawns. A fruit sushi roll was the capper on the meal, although a chocolate dessert with banana added a decadent denouement. Mais oui.

Our server, Haley, originally from Nelson B.C.

Our server, Haley, originally from Nelson B.C.

3rd course; fruit sushi, with locally made saki.

3rd course; fruit sushi, with locally made saki.

13
Feb
09

And the winner is…

Everywhere you look, people are handing out awards like they’re bailout packages. The Grammys, the Oscars, the Golden Globes, the Junos (if you’re Canadian), the Crappies (I don’t know what those are, I just made ‘em up, but I have a feeling Joaquin Phoenix and Christian Bale would win big-time). Now, I’m pleased to announce the inauguration of a new annual award, the Luxurios—aka, who can treat your Lavalife.com columnist/blogger and his girlfriend the lovely Ms Texas Twister to the best Valentine’s Day package. And the winner is: the Opus Hotel, on Davie Street in Yaletown, Vancouver.

After an initial qualifying round that involved emails to a number of the city’s finer hotels, the Opus got back to us with the sweetest deal*: the “Koko l’amour” dinner in the Opus Bar. On Valentine’s night, the hotel is transforming its high-falutin’, futuristic** nightspot “into a sophisticated Pan-Asian dining room… drawing on dishes created for Opus Montreal’s extremely popular Koko Restaurant + Bar” (fr. the press release). Decor includes orchids, lanterns, provocative paper fans, and Miley Cyrus and her entourage (okay, bad joke. But I can get away with it, the Texas Twister is half-Asian). Speaking of the Junos, a nominated singer, Melody Diachun and her trio plays nu-jazz to get us in the mood for luv, followed by a DJ’d party. Whoot whoot! as the kids say.

And so, unless something earth-shattering happens in the next day or two, I’ll be back on Sunday to report on our evening. I just hope I don’t go home with a Crappie.

*Okay, they were the only ones who responded, but that just says more about how lame this city is than how poorly worded my generous offers of hosting us might have been.

**You can spy on your date via live video feeds in the bathrooms.

12
Feb
09

Name a Stray for Valentine’s Day*

Our provincial animal shelter agency, the BC SPCA, is offering a rather unique Valentine’s Day fundraising idea: name a homeless pet after your loved one. The romantically inclined are invited down to the Vancouver shelter to select a pet, anything from dogs to cats, puppies and kittens and ferrets (Vancouver is well-known for its ferret population) and name a critter after a loved. In exchange for a minimum donation of $25, the romantic animal-lover is rewarded with a certificate with the pet’s photo and new name, which they can then give to the individual they’re salutng on Valentine’s Day.

However, this doesn’t mean the pet’s name is forever unalterable—indeed, it only lasts until the critter is adopted. On the bright side, all proceeds from the fundraiser benefit the local branch of the SPCA, which cares for thousands of homeless, abused and injured animals every year, including hundreds of strays, who are usually given names by shelter staff and volunteers. “We end up with a lot of ‘Buddies’ and ‘Shadows,’ so if we can mix it up a bit with a few Brendas and Trevors, all the better,” Vancouver branch manager Mark Vosper is quoted as saying in the press release. The promotion ends Feb. 14.

End the proliferation of “Buddies” and “Shadows” now.

*No, not my friend Mike, he already has a name.

10
Feb
09

Love-In at the Loden

This past weekend, the Texas Twister and I spent a night at the Loden Vancouver. Though it had been in the works for more than a week, I’d managed to keep the reservation for our weekend in-town getaway (or “staycation,” if you must) from her until that morning, Saturday. I kept it quiet for a couple of reasons, one of which was that I figured I could only take one day of her jumping around and proclaiming, “I love luxury! Why can’t we live like this all the time! Can I get a milk bath there?!”

The first Canadian venture by the international hotel chain Kor, the Loden had completely evaded my radar since opening in October of last year. Then again, that’s not saying much—I miss a lot. And the Loden, named one of “our favourite new hotels” by the New York Times, might be a little more low-key in its approach than many. For one thing, it’s on Melville, a downtown street that, despite its proximity to Robson Street shopping and Coal Harbour gazing, even some locals can’t find. (Noah, this means you.)

For another, its ambience is anything but loud and flashy. The best hotels are the ones in which, as soon as you walk in through the front door, transport you into another world; with ambient music in the halls, quartz and crystal rocks in the lobby, mixed-media work by local artist Michele Kambolis, and warm chocolate brown and caramel hues, the 14-story, 70-suite Loden has a spa-like atmosphere, even away from the spa (there’s one on the second floor). In New York, you can spend twice as much on a  room that’s half as nice, and be treated like you just walked into the lobby with a goatherd. In Vancouver, the Loden proves you can get a nice room and great service for a decent price.

Part of the Loden Love-In package, a tray of specialty chocolates awaited us in our room. From our 11th floor window we could see, between the condo, business and hotel towers that took up most of the view, a sliver of mountains. A soaker tub, tiled floors and partitions that open and close depending on one’s degree of modesty lent the bathroom a distinctive look. (Metrosexual that I am, I also loved the Molton Brown products.) Technology-wise, a 42″ LCD screen, surround-sound speakers and an iPod port added to the sleekness of the room. But perhaps the most modern touches were the reusable shopping bag (part of a green initiative) and yoga mat (to go with the 24-hour yoga channel).

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The Loden also has a penthouse suite. Early Saturday evening I shared the elevator with a bartender escorting a trolley full of beer, spirits and mix to the top floor. I thought briefly about not getting off on our floor and following her up to the party, but realized that probably wasn’t part of the Love-In package—not even the Love-In Deluxe.

The Loden’s attention to detail extends to the lounge of its Voya Restaurant. We were treated to a complimentary Getaroom cocktail (fresh watermelon, silver tequila, peach bitters), also part of the Love-In package, prepared by mixologist Jay Jones. The drink menu was a mix of  classics (like the Twentieth Century) and exclusives created by Jones, who specializes in what he calls “alcohol-forward” drinks. I.e., you can taste the booze.

Jay Jones and one of his Voya concoctions.

Jay Jones and one of his Voya concoctions.

To go with our cocktails, the Twister and I ordered the most exotic-looking item on t e bar menu, the grilled and fried calamari with merguez (spicy lamb) stuffing and squid ink aioli, and almost got into a fight over the last piece.

Sunday morning, we were back in the restaurant part of Voya for our Love-In brunch. I went for the free-range eggs, the Twister for the smoked salmon benedict, although some of the non-eggy items—the grilled serrano & camembert sandwich, for instance, and the steamed green curry mussels—looked tempting. Meanwhile, I noticed that, over at the bar, the bartender from the elevator was back at work. “How was the party?” I asked, imagining a debauched stagette where the male stripper was lucky to escape with his G-string.

“Pretty low-key,” she replied. All told, she’d served about 50 people, and the party hadn’t gotten out of hand. The birthday girl, she said, was pregnant. Probably just as well I didn’t follow her up, after all.

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